“I can’t get Dad to budge!”

Has your loved one ever flatly rejected your perfectly sensible solution to their problem?

Though your idea may seem like the obvious route to take, it’s not so simple when you’re caring for an older adult. Your relative has had a lifetime of making decisions on their own. They usually want to continue doing so.

If you are having trouble agreeing, start with one simple principle:

Take your eye off the goal. Focus on the process instead.

We all want to be treated like people rather than like a project in need of completion. Much as you are concerned about the urgency of change, ask yourself if it’s really worth jeopardizing the trust and long-term communication you share with your relative.

• Involve the person you care for in decision making (assuming they do not have dementia). Do what you can to suggest a range of options so your loved one retains as much control as possible.
• Resist the allure of efficiency. Think in terms of teamwork. Coach yourself that the winning game plan is to go slow and steady. Sure, you could pick out an assisted living facility in a week. But without your relative’s buy-in, you likely won’t get cooperation for the move-in! Embrace compromise. Even if the pace seems too slow and the solutions are not ideal, it’s still progress.
• Honor their feelings. Aging involves so many losses. Acknowledge these losses during a private conversation. “Gosh, Dad, I can tell this is hard to swallow. What can we do to make it easier?” Your goal isn’t to become your parent’s therapist. But sometimes a demonstration of empathy is just what’s needed to melt resistance.
• Give it time. Make your suggestion and if you get resistance, let it rest for a while. Hammering on your points could easily prompt your loved one to become more entrenched. Let the idea percolate. After some time and reflection, your relative may find ways to make the idea their own.

If it truly is an emergency. It’s hard to watch parents struggling. We want to short circuit their distress or immediately reduce their exposure to hazards. But what seems urgent to us may not be to them. (And unless they are legally deemed incompetent, they have the right to make unwise decisions.) The threat to your relationship because you steamrolled an idea cannot be underestimated. If you truly think an urgent change is needed, get a second opinion from a professional. A physician. A care manager. Someone with training and experience in eldercare. They can give you an objective sense of how quickly action needs to be taken.

Are you worried about an aging parent?
We can help! As the Roanoke and Lynchburg experts in family caregiving, we at Gentle Shepherd Hospice have a lot of experience working with families that are in the same situation: Kids see a definite problem and the older adult does not. Give us a call at 1-800-789-0586 (toll-free). You don’t have to do this alone.